A Complaint Letter to Universal Studios Hollywood

Dear Universal Studios Hollywood,

Today I visited your park for the umpteenth time, and decided to once again ride your "Revenge of the Mummy" attraction. I for one must say that I am sorely disappointed in both the quality as well as quantity of this ride (meaning, ride length). What you have done is worse than anything I could possibly think of. Worse than the Holocaust. Worse than slavery. Worse than cancelling 'Family Guy' again. You replaced "The E.T. Adventure."

I am ashamed to admit that I am/have been a frequent patron of your park, and have owned a season pass almost every single year, despite the fact that you have all of 5 1/2 rides total. I never complained when the 'Wild Wild Wild Wild West Stund Show' felt more like the 'Wild Wild Wild West Stunt Show,' or when you removed the Battlestar Galactica portion of your tram tour. Oh, no. I stuck by my guns.

In fact, I even went as far as to defend your technicians when searing hot oil poured out of the mechanical dinosaurs during a tranquil journey through "Jurassic Park: The Ride" onto tourists, sending seven men, women, and children to the hospital with third degree burns. 'They had it coming for them,' is what I said. 'They clearly deserved it. God was acting through the mechanical monsters.'

But I cannot idly stand by and watch as you destroy a hallmark of our society as we know it. "The E.T. Adventure" is, and will always be, one of the most important rides in all of existence, and rumor has it that its awe-inspiring powers had a hand in creating the Earth. But with a swoop of your God-like hands, you take away what you so generously gaveth longeth ago-eth. That, sirs and madames, is heinous.

What reasons could possibly motivate such an action? A more recognizable movie, you say? Something more recent? For chrissakes, who DOESN'T recognize E.T. with his cute glowy fingers, huh? And if you wanted new, why not just spruce it up. Add some mecha T-1000 E.T. Bots to fight the friendly ones, and you've got an exciting temporal intergalactic flying bike war in the midst of your ride. How's THAT, huh?

Another 'valid reason' was that "E.T." just wasn't exciting enough as a ride. It doesn't provide the thrills of "The Revenge of the Mummy." Bah! When I was younger (and even to this day) I was UTTERLY TERRIFIED of the cars zooming out of the bushes at our flying bicycles, E.T.'s orgasmic wail like grating plastic coming from the basket in front of me as automoton cops shot at us--and who could forget those terrifying flower creatures reaching out for you, or the shiny green smoky light you blasted towards near the end? Now THOSE are quality thrills.

But no. You decided that the Mummy was scarier than E.T. Hmmph. The only thing scary about the Mummy is that director Stephen Sommers was allowed to direct and pump out the piece of shit film, 'Van Helsing,' without being shot directly afterwards for doing so. Now, I know you've made some horribly irrevocable and egregious mistakes, but you can earn some of your valuable trust and quality back by doing the following things.

First off, I know you can't possibly reinstate "The E.T. Adventure"--so why not use what you've got? Take the best of both worlds! I call it, "The Revenge of E.T. & The Mummy." Instead of mine carts, one can ride on regular bicycles with E.T. popping out every now and then to exclaim something in his own electronic rasp of a voicebox. Also, try to integrate that foresty smell of the E.T. queue into the ride. Perhaps add some pine trees inside of the pyramid interiors scenes. Also, you should plan on replacing Imhotep, the evil Mummy, with Deku, E.T.'s old mentor who appeared in a puff of smoke in the E.T. line to warn us of the impending danger. Don't worry--Deku can still ravage the flesh of intruders via scarab beetles--just as long as he's there.

Also, the 'roller coaster' portion needs to be changed. True, one can hardly call this a 'roller coaster' as it is, but it needs changing. Maybe just replace it with a slow circle over what looks like a miniature Los Angeles. But instead of Los Angeles, just show the various friends of E.T. being torn apart piece by piece by flesh-eating scarabs in a torture pit. That would work nicely.

Finally, at the end, instead of spinning the car around slowly making it look like it's on fire, have a friendly water fight between E.T.'s and Mummies, as Imhotep says goodbyes to everyone on your mine cart bicycle thingy.

With these seemingly insignificant and clearly easy-to-handle changes (but they make all the difference, trust me), I'm sure you'll be able to make "The Revenge of E.T. & The Mummy" one of the most successful rides in history. Oh yeah, you also need to have "Copacabana" by Barry Manilow constantly blasting through speakers behind the riders' ears the entire time. It adds to the eeriness.

Thank you for your time, patience, and otherwise. I am sure you will do the right thing. Or I will hunt you all down and periodically remove your bowels in an unpleasant fashion and dephile them in various, equally-horrible fashions. Better act quickly.

-Justin

(originally written 11/10/04)