Universal Studios Hollywood Responds

Some of you might remember when a couple of days ago, I decided to send out a complaint letter to Universal Studios Hollywood with regard to their demolition of "The E.T. Adventure" and subsequent replacement with "Revenge of the Mummy." Two days later, I received this letter in the mail.

Dear Patron,

Thank you for expressing your concern for Universal Studios Hollywood, the greatest theme park and working movie studio in the entire universe. We are sorry that you feel our new, exciting, thrill-filled, roller-coaster, action-packed, and utterly awesome ride "Revenge of the Mummy" did not meet your expectations. At this point, we could easily say something to the effect of, 'Sucks to be you because you're a lowly customer whereas we're a multi-million dollar movie studio and working theme park, therefore making your opinion worth less than our recent movie bomb, Thunderbirds.' Instead, we're going to indulge your petty complaint because, frankly, we're bored as hell over here, what with our lack of ANY discernible summer blockbuster this year.

To begin to address your insignificant plea, we must begin with why "The E.T. Adventure" was in need of demolition. First, the cost of running E.T. was exorbitant. We needed a cost-friendly ride, and therefore decided that running a miniature roller coaster like ride within the building, adding updated and much more technologically advanced Mummy robots was a better way to save money. We also were able to make more mummy related jokes around the office. Like, when someone called, someone might say, 'Who was that on the phone for you? Your mummy?' And then we would all laugh. Another one of my favorites was, 'Is it just me, or is this job eating away at you guys, too...eating away at me like flesh-eating scarabs!' And my all time favorite was 'Is it hot in here or is it just Stephen Sommers?' God, that man is gorgeous.

Another reason we demolished "The E.T. Adventure" was the fact that E.T. was outdated. Clearly, when we renovated the ride for its 20th Anniversary two years ago, it was meant to be a message to park attendees that this ride was on its way out. Mark my words: the fact that we cleaned and spruced up the robots, added a new introduction from Steven Spielberg that wasn't 10 years old, and a gigantic "Celebrating 20 Years" logo along with E.T. flying over the moon silhouette on the top of the building itself--that was all to let you know that we were going to get rid of the ride.

In fact, it is in our not-so-humble belief that you have not realized the attention to detail we explored when making this ride nearly identical to E.T. For starters, directors of both movies that the rides were based on happened to be named Steven. Coincidence? We think not. On top of that, both directors are incredibly gorgeous. Also a coincidence? Perhaps.

But coincidences like these don't pile up to form a gigantic monster coincidence. Oh, no. They are in reality a planned event. Yes. For instance, think of the pygmy mummies from Universal's smash blockbuster super mega uber hit, 'The Mummy Returns.' They look strangely like E.T. and his homeworld companions, do they not? Think of them as E.T.'s rage-filled undead Egyptian brethren. Also, the title character in 'The Mummy' is named Imhotep. That starts with a vowel. So does E.T. These coincidences just aren't so coincidental now that you think of them under such a broad sweeping scope of view, are they?

And the buck doesn't stop there, oh no. Here at Universal Studios Hollywood, the most magnificent working movie studio while simultaneously being a theme park in the world, we go even farther in creating similarities between the two rides. Why? In order to please the E.T. fans, such as yourself, as well as the Mummy fans. If you take a close look, we have integrated E.T.'s in the treasure room on the ride. Amongst the golden idols, vases, jewels, and coins is a lone E.T. robot. Think of it as a trophy--much like in the 'Predator' movies, said monster keeps the skulls of its victims. Therefore, the Mummy has obviously had some contact with the E.T.'s, and I wouldn't be surprised (I can't say anything yet) if a 'Mummy versus E.T.' film is in the works, much like 'Freddy versus Jason' and 'Alien versus Predator.'

Regardless, there are just too many similarities to point out between these two rides. Mine carts and flying bicycles are pretty much synonymous nowadays. And the Mummy's desert--isn't that just a metaphor for the neverending expanse of space? As you can see, you are not only wrong, but very very wrong. You should be ashamed of yourself.

As for your pathetic and whimpering idea for an amalgamation of rides...Well, honestly, we thought of that. In fact, originally Imhotep was supposed to say goodbye to the passengers on the ride, but in our test run of the ride, his booming and inarticulate Mummy-speak was a bit overbearing and also happened to stop a ride tester's pacemaker. She died, but not to worry--she lives on as a part of the ride itself. Her family generously donated her bones to be added to the treasure room. So now you have two things to look for next time you ride "Revenge of the Mummy!"

We are sad that the smell of E.T.'s forest is no longer present, but being the money-hungry Universal executives that we are, we have decided to sell bottled jars of this smell on e-Bay at ridiculously high prices.

As you can see, you are wrong and we are right. Buy our stock. Watch our movies. Ride our rides. And rent 'The Grinch.' It is a fine film.

Sincerely,

Universal Studios Hollywood Executives

(originally written 11/13/04)